i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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