Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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