god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
sex in a hospital.. check
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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