I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
