we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
