I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
