im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
