Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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