Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
too bad you live with your parents still
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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