i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
