I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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