In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
