We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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