dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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