My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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