i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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