Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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