Pregnant stripper...not hot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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