he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
