The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
