i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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