i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
