Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
