and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
