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Do I have a choice?
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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