Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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