I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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