Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
