We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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