i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
