well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
