So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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