i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
