im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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