but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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