You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
