im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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