She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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