he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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