Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
