god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
