Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
