if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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