What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize