I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
