lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
