The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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