Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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