I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
