I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
