Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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