There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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