i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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