Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
