I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
