I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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