i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
