I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
try to milk me bitch
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