I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
