She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Shame is for Republicans.
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