Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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