He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
