Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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