That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the day after is always just damage control
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
