I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
